The junk you never knew you needed for the problems you never knew you had

I now travel for work about as often as I travel for pleasure - and one thing I've found that is signficantly different about traveling for work is that I am often alone. Which means I sometimes find meaningless things to occupy my time. For example, reading SkyMall.

Honestly, I've never heard SkyMall summed up better than this: "All the junk I never knew I needed for problems I never knew I had." I cannot claim credit for this phrase. The quote was by Sheri Rosen who presented at the IABC (International Association of Business Communicators) World Conference in San Diego this week. It was in reference to SkyMall's 28 Day Mascara.

"Think how much time you'll save when you drop the daily mascara ritual. Just apply 28 Day Mascara once a month, and you're done," it reads.

In addition to that must-have, which I suppose is the poor (wo)man's version of permanent makeup application (which I also find creepy), I thought this SkyMall issue was particularly good. All products available on SkyMall.com. Check out the:

Nano-Silver Sanitizer, which pretty much looks like a a microwave for your crocs.

Apparently, it is a "multipurpose sanitizer to eradicate germs, bacteria and fungus from the surface of virtually any item with one eight-minute cycle." Of course, any item that can fit in a microwave. They should probably clarify this is not safe for use on children. Only $299.99 but if you call in the next 30 minutes, we're slashing the price - not once, not twice, but three times - and throwing in a free gift. Just pay $5.95 in shipping in handling.
 
Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar
Formerly, you had to go to Vegas to get a tube up your nose to provide you with more oxygen than a human being needs "for easy, concentrated inhalation."
 

Now, for just $299.99 you can experience this "stress-relieving" therapy in the comfort of your own hasn't been re-decorated since the Victorian era home rather than awkwardly snorting O2 in the middle of Fremont Street. Bonus, now you won't gamble away your money (unless of course you enjoy a hand or two or twenty of online poker).
 
Weed Whacking Golf Driver
 A simple flick of a button on its plastic bottom flips open the club to reveal a built-in grass trimmer. That could significantly improve your golf game, for just $39.95. (Much cheaper than golf lessons, which also could).
 

And now there's no need to carry your scythe to the green when you can stick a handy dual-purpose club in your bag. Much less obvious that you're cheating.

Ok, to address the elephant in the room (because I like elephants, and I think they deserve to be roaming free in Africa, not stuck in your cubicle where you're reading this on your lunch break), some of you are thinking, "Did her joke come before or after she found that cartoon?" Surprisingly, before. More surprisingly, I decided after I wrote that bit above to just see if typing "scythe in golf bag" into Google would me anything. Most surprisingly, typing "scythe in golf bag" actually turned up with a picture of a scythe in golf bag. (Saves me from a really bad photoshop job).  The New Yorker published this cartoon in 1947. You have to love the world wide web - it makes buying weed-whacking golf clubs as easy as finding a 1947 cartoon of a scythe in a golf bag.

 

Magic Wand Remote Control

So here's the scene. Guests come over. The TV is a bit too loud. No bother, I'll just turn it off with the flick of my magic wand. "Why yes, I am a wizard. Did I forget to mention my acceptance to Hogwarts in my last 13-page Christmas brag letter? Oh, no, I slipped in front of you Muggles."

 

For just $89,95, you get a wand "forged with a motion-sensing accelerometer that detects the hand's nuanced movements to translate 13 distinct gestures. Simply point the wand and your device's remote at each other and push the function on the remote the wand is to "learn"while gesturing --pressing "up volume" on a remote could be linked to the wand's up/down gesture while changing channels could be linked to the wand's clock/counterclockwise gesture."

Nevermind the fact that programming then learning those 13 gestures would take significantly more time than just using the remote. I guess this is what people do when they retire.

Authentic Bluegrass Autoharp

In case you have an extra $350.00 to spend, consider the authentic bluegrass autoharp... "it has become synonymous with the bluegrass music of Appalachia." I wonder if I can learn to play the John Denver tune... Take me home, country roads to the place where I belong.... Appalachia.

SkyMall touts, "It is easy to make music without a single lesson." Personally, I think music should not be easy to make without a single lesson. They never say that about the clarinet - and for good reason. I think music easy to make without a single lesson should be reserved for iPods and self-playing pianos.

Easter Island "Ahu Akivi Moai" Monolith Statue

For just $995, you can have your very own Easter Island "Ahu Akivi Moai" Monolith Statue. Why you would want one is the first question. Why there is a little boy holding his head and pointing is the second question.

If his purpose is merely to show the scale of your brand new Easter Island "Ahu Akivi Moai" Monolith Statue, why need he be in that position? Perhaps instead he is to show you that this addition to your backyard would provide great hiding spots when the neighbor kids come over to play hide and go seek. More likely, this is to show that the neighbor kids will point and laugh at you for having made such a ridiculous purchase.

Maybe this is the real purpose of SkyMall. It doesn't just provide "the junk you never knew you needed for the problems you never knew you had." It also provides an additional outlet for people to waste money on - junk they cannot afford and will never use. I suppose they assume if you are affluent enough to fly on airplanes, you can afford to waste your money on oxygen bars and magic wand remote controls. I wonder, however, if this magazine is also available in first class. I somehow doubt it, which is a bit ironic, and perhaps a reason why so many Americans have so much debt. Life lesson: Budget, save, and if you're going to splurge, don't do it on a Easter Island "Ahu Akivi Moai" Monolith Statue.